Image taken from Google search.
Listening to: Keyshia Cole (Long Way Down)
Keyshia captures my relationship disappointments in the verses below,
“I’m young but I can’t add the tracks of my tears from crying,
Broken hearts develop a fear of flying
I pray somebody take me higher,
I’ve already fell for a liar,
Can’t make the same mistake twice,
Then on a lonely night,
Just when I said (i said) that I (that I)
Was through (was through) with love, there he was,
Already had me a cheater and mistreater,
Already been with a flosser and smooth talker,
I’ve had a betrayer something like a player, but that ain’t what I want no more,
(What you looking for?)
Come get my loving don’t date me for your reputation,
If you ain’t made a decision not to keep it pimping (no)
Keep it moving; don’t even waste your time,
Cuz I don’t want you wasting mine,”
This song reminds of certain times throughout my life that causes me to cry and smile at the same time. I cry because it reminds of the pain that I have endured over and over again, but I smile because I made it through the pain.
I have struggled publicly and privately with my personal life. Knowing when to stop investing has always been a skill that I failed to master. My broken heart slowly began to cripple my thinking. My thoughts of who I was as a person, and what I deserve had become seriously flawed. I was a train wreck. I settled for the sake of having a significant other in my life. As a result of my continued failure, I began to develop what I refer to as “runner” syndrome. When I felt myself getting to close to someone, I would start to walk in reverse, OR I enter into situations that will NEVER manifest into anything more than its original simplistic form of NOTHING. I thought that by controlling my relationships that I was safe, but I wasn’t. . UGH.
When does the hurt stop?
It stopped when I decided to stop free falling, and set clear boundaries for myself. As I defined who I was as a woman, I realized that I needed to protect ME from ME. Yep, you read that sentence correctly. I had become my own worst enemy. I found that I was allowing any and everyone in my life. I welcomed people in that never had the proper clearance to be in my presence in the first place. It’s not their fault. I LET THEM IN.
I am not perfect, but I am striving to be better than yesterday. I deserve happiness just like everyone else. We all have those “What the HELL was I thinking” moments, but you don’t have to live a “What the HELL was I thinking” type of life. It is normal to stumble, BUT if you know the hole is there don’t continue to take the same route. I remember someone telling me that, “The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”
Love YOU enough to set the necessary boundaries, and stop the self destructive behavior. Rome wasn’t built or destroyed in 1 day. Give yourself enough time to make the required changes. The most important thing is that you are doing the work to make the desired changes. Remember, it is never to late to readjust your sails…..
Until we converse again,
Remember to Live, Laugh, & Love